


hurts like hell

by starryscorpios



Category: Captain Marvel (2019)
Genre: Angst, Apologies, Coming Home Again, F/F, Fear, Late Night Conversations, conversations over coffee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-16
Updated: 2019-05-16
Packaged: 2020-03-06 12:31:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18851128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryscorpios/pseuds/starryscorpios
Summary: Carol spent so much time in space that she started to lose everything that she knew and everything that she wanted. When Carol came back home, she wasn't sure what was going to happen, but one thing was for sure, she needed to come home.





	hurts like hell

**Author's Note:**

> title is hurts like hell by fleurie
> 
> some of this is very personal bc i wrote this when i was struggling to find who i am and what i am worth so if it gets a little emotional, that's why
> 
> also the middle kind of takes a turn?? idk if it works? i wrote this all on emotion so it might now sound amazing! thanks for reading this and i hope you enjoy!

Space is a vast, empty place. Not much to see except for void and balls of gas. There is so little to do that it could drive someone insane.

_And it did._

Carol Danvers realized she was floating aimlessly in space, unsure as to how she got there. The one place where you shouldn't be aimless. She found herself hesitant as to where she really belonged. Should she go back to Earth, to Maria and Monica, who were wishing for her safe return? Should she go back to assisting Talos and his race fight the Kree?

What was she even doing out here?

Look at her, the universe's greatest superhero, isolated and terrified in a place she had been millions of time. Once glowing and intimidating the shit out alien bosses, the same Carol Danvers was now alone and confused, left only with her thoughts. She could travel home, settle down, and have the life she was robbed of. The one where she stayed with Maria, raising Monica in their large Louisana home, and taking Maria to sing karaoke every other Friday.

Or she could go back. She could go back to the war, witnessing death first hand. She could watch the people she once considered family destroy innocent people. Carol could choose the greater good over herself.

The problem is: Carol always chose the greater good over herself.

Carol was always one to choose everyone else over herself. No matter what she wanted, she would force it aside for what was beneficial to everyone else. She volunteered for that test flight with Lawson because she recognized it would transform lives. She acknowledged it was vital for the advancement of technology. Maria didn't want her to take the offer, but Carol ignored her heeding.

How she wished she could go back and redo that day. Carol should have never agreed to take the test flight, but Carol was a stubborn-headed bull. She was never one to back down from a challenge, and it got her into trouble.

_Too much trouble._

Carol decided that the universe could wait. Talos and the Skrulls would survive without her. Carol activated her magical glowing and shot towards Earth, not looking back for a second.

In about an hour, she landed back on Earth, unsure what she'd even say to Maria. Would Maria tell her that she missed Carol while she was off saving the universe? Would Maria not even realize she left? There were so many variables, but Carol didn't care. She knew that this is what she wanted. She rapidly navigated her way to Maria's house, stopping outside to figure out she was going to say.

Their last meeting was rough, at best, with Maria not wanting Carol to leave but Carol arguing that she had to. Carol knew she hurt Maria, but she was just trying to protect her. Carol never wanted to hurt Maria, she could /never/ hurt her without feeling like the worst person alive. Carol didn't try to contact Monica and Maria, not wanting to make the situation worse. She knew that words didn't mean anything, and they just made everything more complicated.

Carol was standing outside the door, hesitating to knock on it. Maria didn't want to see her, right? It was stupid to come back, it's not like she was missed or anything. Carol turned to leave when Maria opened the door and stood in the doorway, watching Carol leave with her heart. "Hey," she whispered, crossing her arms. Carol's head snapped around to meet Maria's gaze, not daring to breathe at the moment.

"Hey," she replied, startled that Maria even knew she was there. "Thought you were inside with Monica."

"I was. Monica is going to sleep," Maria retorted, tension hanging thickly between them. "Why'd you come back? I thought you were out with Talos and the Skrulls."

"I missed this place," Carol lied, only a little. "Actually, I missed you." She sighed, tearing her eyes away from Maria.

"That's why the _world's most powerful superhero_ came back to Earth. For me, huh?" She scoffed, laughing a little at her feet. "You gonna come inside or let me freeze to death?" Carol awkwardly stepped inside the house she once knew, feeling like a stranger again. "You save the universe yet?"

"No, but we're getting there." The room fell silent again as Maria brought Carol a cup of coffee as they sat on the couch to fuel their nighttime conversation.

"Why did you really come back?" Maria blurted, knowing there was some ulterior motive.

"Can we not talk about this right now?" Carol muttered quietly, not really wanting to talk about any other reason she came back.

"So it wasn't for me?"

"I never said that -"

"But you implied it."

_"Enough!"_ Carol shouted, overwhelmed by Maria's prodding and her own experience. "The other real reason I came back is because I can't keep witnessing death firsthand. I can't keep watching innocent people die because I can't save them. Maria, I can't sleep at night. I can't eat, I can't breathe. Everyone looks to me as if I know the answers, and I can't provide them what they need." She stood up and placed her cup on the kitchen counter, leaning away from Maria. "I wanted to prove that I could do it. Once again, I proved to be inadequate. The only place I belong to is on Earth. Even then, I don't fit in." She wiped a tear off of her face, trying to keep it together. "I'm not good enough to be a hero, I'm not good enough to be a pilot, I'm not good enough for you -"

"Is that what you think?" Maria murmured softly, setting her mug down beside Carol's. "You think that Carol Danvers, the most badass woman I know, isn't good enough? You couldn't be more wrong. Lawson knew you were good. That's why she asked you to pilot the test vehicle. You _are_ good. You've saved the world, Carol." She stepped closer to Carol. "You have always been enough for me. Carol Susan Jane Danvers, damn it, you're as stubborn as a bull, but I love that about you. You're always ready to fight for what you believe in. You're ready to defend the underdog. Hell, you've even BEEN the underdog. _You are enough."_ Maria pulled Carol close, wrapping her arms loosely around the latter's waist. "Please, don't ever feel like you're not enough. You're more than enough for me."

"I love you, Maria," Carol whispered, tears streaming down her face.

"I love you too, Carol," she replied, pressing a kiss to Carol's forehead followed by her lips. The two of them stayed pressed close, not wanting to let go.

"I never wanted to hurt you. I really didn't mean to. It ate away at me every day that I was gone," Carol continued, tears welling up in her eyes. "I know what I said was hurtful, and I didn't mean for it to be. I was just insecure and scared. These new powers... they give me another purpose. After the crash, I probably would've quit flying if I hadn't absorbed this power." She hated to admit it, but it was the truth. She didn't have a purpose after that. She would've been removed from the Air Force and forced into retirement.

"Just because you didn't mean to doesn't mean you didn't, okay?" Maria scolded, crossing her arms. "And just because I love you doesn't mean I'm going to forgive you, Carol."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You _hurt_ me, Carol Danvers. You broke my heart. You ripped in half like you couldn't care less." Maria wiped tears from her eyes. "And for a while there, I believed that you didn't. I truly felt that you didn't care about me. You didn't talk to me for weeks. _Weeks._ Do you know how much that hurts? When the one person you love stops talking to you?"

The silence hung in the air before Carol spoke up, trying to hold herself together. "...Yes." Maria stepped away from Carol, who turned to walk back out the door. "Thanks for the coffee."

"Carol, wait -" Maria reached for Carol's arm, but Carol pulled it away.

"No." The look in Carol's eyes was dead serious, something Maria had only seen while they were piloting and when Carol came back from the Kree planet. "You clearly aren't ready for me to come back."

"Carol, please, you're being irrational here -"

"Goodbye, Maria." With that, Carol flew back into outer space, not daring to look back at Maria, whose face was streaked with tears.

**Author's Note:**

> so you've read this, and i hope you're not hoping to chop my head off. i would really like to keep my head thank you very much !
> 
> sorry for the sad ending, i wrote this when i wasn't sure there would be a happy ending


End file.
